Hi today’s lesson is on “desperation”
We’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s for something financial seems like most of us have been there.. But then we have desperate needs for healthcare but our biggest need seems too be “love” but sometimes for me it’s “sanity”!! I get these feelings of loss in the train of thought my thoughts are usually about good things. But there are also feelings of needing to be understood. And getting rid of the confusion in my thoughts. I’ve always been more serious about everything always seeing to much of the reality of the world. But I do feel things like happy and sadness more now then ever before. In the past I’ve felt more sadness and fear and alone. But its consumed most of my adult life. And the years spent outside of reality at least thats what others saw in me. I may have sat quietly alone and not interacting with many people. Feelings of not belonging anywhere. Amd even with my relatives whom I really love but I wasnt socially able to join in on conversations with them and being afraid of saying something that happened recently or talking freely with them worried about where my father was and who would let something slip that could have brought trouble for me. But those fears were so out of context. My fears have like most people’s been unrealistic in seriousness. But to me they were more paranoia. Paralyzing fear is an awful feeling try living with it at least part of everyday for 40 years. And at times it would last for months. But back too the topic… Desperation. There’s seems to be no really big situation that caused it for me. I get a type of desperate thought pattern where I don’t understand or have a clue as too what I’m desperate about.. I have a nice clean home its warm and in the summer i have air conditioning. And ive got clothes and food and healthcare that is excellent. And I have fair health i can do a lit of things that i need to by myself I don’t have a care giver or impose on others for things. I get the bus and get around to were i need with support from county and state help resources in the community. But I get desperate for things like companionship and spending time with people I love to have people around me But at times solitude is all I end up seeking. Seems like I’ve spent so much time alone thatcits how I would like to spend all of my time that way. But it’s a horrible thing when I realize that there’s never been close friends or best friends. And family its the same way. I crave someone else who loves the same music or who is funny and gets my weird sense of humor. I lose people because they don’t get what I do thats funny . I have a banter type thing that’s usually quick and with my voice being so low in volume most of the time they miss my short little spontaneous quips and they catch only part of it.But it makes me mad because I tend to dumb down what’s going on around me and people think what i said was stupidity but after they stop and think about it they find it was a serious jab and taking the edge off by playing it off of some comment that actually takes a lot of thought. But once again I’ve gotten off track. Desperation runs most of man’s accomplishments with a need comes a desire and driven by a desperate need things get done quicker. Having a burning desire to have people understand me. What i think about and the needs of being more of a part of a society that treats me like I have a transmissible disease. I do have a disorder but I think that word is better then the word disease it sounds terminal and having most diagnosis of mental illness isnt terminal dont really think there are any. But I’m driven by the Lord just like everyone else. And yes I do have a disorder that is not curable. But it is manageable with medications and therapy it can be treated very well. To were functioning is possible. My illness is schizoeffective disorder. And what that entells is some parts of schizophrenia I have the auditory hallucinations which is I hear voices and I have the paranoia type which is for me the worst part. And I have the suspicious part I accuse people with conspiracy theories about what their up to. And I have the visual part where I see shadows mostly insignificant small animals and other inanimate objects that aren’t actually there. But the desperation changes so quickly because the ” effective ” part is the depression part of bipolar disorder. So I can get depressed for extremely long periods of time. My desperation stems from all aspects of life. Have any life at all I have learned thru therapy how to control a lot of symptoms. Yet at times it becomes to complicated because of feelings that are intense but not necessarily real. And the confusion is worse when I sense something might not be real but I’m just as convinced that its real. And at the moment I’m not in a place where I can spend the time to figure it out. The voices are at this time reacting to every thing I do and say and even writing this post. They critique every thought and action making sure everything is correct and done as perfectly as possible. Like having your boss riding your ass all day right on your shoulder. But at times they can become demanding and driven too make me do their will or they will causeca meltdown an I have no choice but too listen and follow thru with their demands. One thing to remember… Less then 1% of people with schizophrenia are dangerous or would ever ba any more violent then anyone else. But desperation drives the world and it destroys it just as quickly. But finding someone withva kindred spirit is difficult especially when being defined as having a serious mental illness. But those things come in different measures for each individual. Don’t dismiss anyone who gas a different issue because we’ve all have something.
Herbert j Regan Jr