Excitement is it worth it

When nothing excites you and you actually don’t want any inspiration from someone. But too call and say let’s do something that is a really good time.And too have no desire or thinking about doing it just makes you feel like it’s something impossible. Things I loved a few weeks ago mean nothing today, and tomorrow is just something I don’t care to think about; until I  wake up tomorrow morning.  

But its usually a day like today. Yesterday i did something I always loved an actually still love and its something I’ve always done extremely well. But now it’s become a review of things I’ve done many times. And I really have. But wheres the love an passion that goes along with it. There’s always been the frustration of saying I cant do it and be successful with it. 

But my mind starts to be the first one to jump into oblivion and I land on my ass and get brain damage( hahaha). But why do I feel like this. I withdraw from society and become something that thinks and rumamates over and over,until all the thoughts become wasted all the plans to succeed are replaced by fear and confusion and even more importantly failure once again. 

That leads me too turn inward and isolate. Then come my best friend’s “paranoia” and “suspicions” that never leave. But they bring along the delusional thoughts born out of miss understanding and the pride of being able to come up with the best scenarios of success and failure. At least that’s how I talk out of my ass too people around me.they see in plain sight my untruth in what I say. I’m either lying a lot because of what my mind tells me has really happened at least. Without thinking I end up saying. And then torture myself because I miss led someone. Or I think they’ll cause me problems and  losing any trust in me. And people with the talk of ” he’s off his meds again” but no one knows what it’s like 

If its not how ive  meant to be. I don’t blame the Lord and I don’t blame any of you because I somehow created my way of getting thru things for this long.Do I hate myself yes do I blame God no I dont. Life has too many choices and making the right one isn’t always the truth of what is going on and hiding the truth is easier then saying the truth and living it.

No one knows another person’s delemma.but we each think we do and can be of help but we cause resentment that we done ever realize that it was how we made a person feel. Its not always the wrong advice, it’s the fact that we need too have someone else tell us what too do it’s an envy of sorts that the right answer came from someone who felt what we were saying and actually knew what feelings the situation caused us to need help.

Herbert j Regan Jr.

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