who are you in me? Is it myself or a higher level of being

I don’t feel my true self. There’s somewhere my voice and words come from. I don’t have to think because the speech and order of words with the calm and perfect attitude, but I don’t have the loud angry argument more of thinking about things Its all so natural. Like it’s someone else that’s in charge! I dont know who or what or where the thoughts I express are initiated. I don’t have to consider any word I say next because what ever it is it appears to be getting things right, an a lot of the time I don’t know what I think about a subject until its out there. Where is it coming from? I’d  say its not so much a voice which I can differentiate between them. But this is like talking ahead of what I say. Ive always made sure i thought things out before saying or writing something. But now the the words are on the page first before I know what I write.The only thing I do is look at the screen after a sentence and read what my mind wrote without my participation. In worried about it because some opinions are extra harsh towards people! An it’s stuff I like to read because it is my own personal minds choices. AND its stuff I’ve always been afraid to write because it could cause a lot of problems with subjects I included in the words and paragraph of what ever I’m writing! I’m often wondering Is it part of the schizoeffective disorder and have anyone else experienced it. Its frightening. But my trust is in god an Hes what’s getting me thru it. With honest feelings. Its only after the words are down or said. That it’s clear to me what its all about. I get hit by a feeling of intense thought struck by something I see or hear at times. Its all a new revolation to me I may never had considered it before. The Lord is protecting me and I feel its him not only in control of the words but in charge of every moment and I hate myself when I’m led into temptation.I feel guilt and have my whole life im 58 now. But I’ve foughten off the guilty feelings a lot of times. And Don’t feel right asking for forgiveness. For something I chose over the Lord’s intentions and laws. But I’ve done so much in the past and now its actually very very little I ask for forgiveness about because this thing in control is the  best an most perfect soul I’ve ever known I’ve given myself up to the Lord and questioning what’s going on now is the hardest dicision inside me ever . And yes I think the voices I hear are those of Satan and the Lord sometimes and the holy spirit because it is what im almost sure of that’s putting the words on my lips and fingertips. Has anyone ever felt like that which is in control of all words and thoughts and I’m sitting here doing their deeds and the deeds are the right ones too keep the Lord and my soul on the right track. I wish people around me would actually realize that I’m not in the right state because I don’t know what is my mind and what part of it isn’t me and it’s scary as hell. I’m not in me something is doing my daily life things for me. I’ve always had to think hard and worry about what I said and did but since a last fall I’ve lost myself as I knew me now I don’t know who is speaking and who is doing it.Is it part of an episode of the schizo part or the bipolar depression. I get terrible depression but it’s not constantly happening my moods are unstable but I don’t hAve any manic highs just the schizophrenic symptoms and deep depression that comes and goes happy and sad are becoming harder to feel leaving no feelings except for this other entity

Herbert j Regan Jr August 31 2018

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