Why should I

Why do I? I don’t know if its a question or a statement! But I keep trying and coming up short of any accomplishments. Except pushing people away. I open my mouth and it’s never the exact words I want.And if I’m writing it’s usually a bit better except when i misspell a word and I’m going to slow compared to my thoughts or vice verses. But why do I bother to state what I feel or want when its going to change probably before i finish any thing. I get a feeling so strong its undeniable an people respond to it. But before the deed is done I start thinking what an ass I am for having so much belief In my self that I know myself well enough to be 100%sure the feeling isnt going to be the same a few hours from now..The Will of the mind doesn’t last long!I know because I either have things all worked out in my mind but I start to enact things and im confused all of a sudden!And i get the stages of development perfect but reality starts to chip away at my plans and chaos begins. I start thinking this isn’t what I want i don’t want this in my life and the same for relashionships I think how beautiful it would be to have this person in my life. But an hour later after laying the groundwork and talking the talk I realize that I’m too afraid!Because I can’t rely on wanting to constantly be in a loving relationship it doesnt have anything to do with loving them. Because I do love them but to be with them everyday or having to be thinking about them constantly I love them but can’t be connected to the hip by someone else. And that’s the way I’ve always thought love was to be!
There for only each oher and living together or married living together.I don’t want that thought of having to check with someone else every time i get up to do something! Right now your probably hating me. And Your right. But I know fear from relashionships and the loss of them and the hurt! I need to avoid it more then anything!!Its the closest thinking I have towards suicidal thoughts and have come closest to actually doing it. Are those thoughts you would like to be left with i killed myself because you left me. I don’t think id want any thing to do with loving some one who killed themself. Knowing that my lover did away with life and if you think you didnt play apart in it… Your sadly mistaken and if you believe it Your going to live the rest of your life in doubt and guilt because it’s something that you will never know for sure.That you didn’t play any role in it. Suicide I hear some people say it must of been a rash decision. If you believe that it was a fast thing that came up in that persons thoughts your being foolish. Suicide takes thought over a lifetime of pain and if someone does it suddenly it’s because it’s some thing they imagined for a long time when ever things got bad or they were secretly thinking about or hard times Depression can be hidden if people see you in that state of mind but don’t connect it to depression and the severity of the problem isn’t known or spoken about. Even some love dies unexpected and the spouse or lover commits suicide right after thats more like a person who’s always thought that they couldn’t live without the other for a long time Even before they found that love. But I dont want to leave anyone in the position of being totally together in love and constantly together ❤ thats too much for me too deal with.If I love you fine. but I’m not going to let you get close because I’m protecting you.but to be honest I’m protecting myself more then anyone.

Herbert j.Regan jr 
August 27th
2018.12:33 am

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